Five men and a Scooter

Around the summer of 2001, near the peak of my cricket crazy days, happened an incident that has all the makings of a splendid story. It involves 5 insanely adventurous cricket crazy people, a single scooter and a policeman.

After spending a fine day at the cricketing field and winning the match, our team was now turning back to go home. We were 11 of us, plus 3 kit bags to ferry, but only 3 vehicles - 2 bajaj scooters and 1 motorcycle. So we put 3 on one scooter with 2 kit bags, 3 on my bike with one guy holding the last kit bag on the side and the last 5 now have to fit onto the last scooter.

Now, somehow fitting 5 people on the last scooter was absolutely necessary. Its not that we didnt want to leave someone back who will have to take a bus back home. Home was just a kilometer away. Someone could have happily skipped all the way. That is the way most of us had reached the ground in the first place. But where is the fun/adventure/thrill in that? The concept of safety is ... bah, too boring.

So, the last 5 people got onto the scooter. Since that last statement was so profound, it will probably require some explanation of how they did it. The first 3 got onto the seat and the fourth got onto the stepney while holding onto the shoulders of the third guy. The fifth person was ingenious. He found a place where none existed - the empty space between the handle bars and the driver. This is where small kids usually stand while dad drives them to school. The fifth guy bent his knees and got into position. Only his shoulders and head were visible above the handlebars and due to his childish face, he looked like a kid of 13-14 years.

This was not funny enough or didnt appease the appetite for adventure for these guys, so the third guy on the seat reversed his direction and sat down facing backward. He figured that 3 people were blocking his view of the front. He had a better view towards the back. With a satisfied kick, we all started off. Of course the scooter started off a bit gingerly, but never was really out of control. A scooter with 4 legs on each side cannot fall.

We were almost at the half way mark when we spotted a policemen about 50m down the road. Now this was not a problem at all. Its no big deal spotting a policeman even for people in our position. But we knew we were in trouble when the policeman spotted us. He gently called towards the scooter... "OYE, idhar aa" and when they came near... he addressed the driver of the scooter in typical hariyaanvi accent "Yeh family car side mein laga le".

"Maruti car mein theek se paanch log nahin aate, aur tum ne scooter pe paanch baitha rakhe hain"... obviously he was not conversant with the incident of "The most outrageous day" with 6 people in a maruti car. I wanted to tell him; he would have been conclusively proved wrong, and we could have been on our way. But alas, we are in the past in chronology and that incident had not occurred yet.

He asked the third guy on the seat "Tu kya reverse gear ka driver hai?" and was hoping for a smart aleck response from the reverse driver, to which he could retort back even more smartly with one tight slap. The reverse driver disappointed him and remained silent. The awesome retort in the form of the "one tight slap" was burning inside the policeman like a raging fire. He was literally begging for someone to finger him. He had the retort ready but no one obliged. Also, he couldn't really ask blatantly "Say something foolish so that I can slap you without any guilt. I feel guilty when I slap you without any reason at all. You dont know how bad that feeling can be. You guys are laughing at my helplessness. Please, I need to slap badly"

When he realized that he had met his match of smart people who had decided to disappoint him, he decided to change tactics. Now he was groping blindly in the dark when he turned to the kid in the front... "Chotu, tu zara bahar nikal". Chotu duly followed, untangled his legs and got out of his perch. Despite his childish face, Chotu was a tall guy and stood at 5'11". As Chotu got out the scooter, the policeman realized that Chotu was taller than him. In his surprise, he commented "Abe, tu kahan se nikla?"

This was a trick question, we realized. He is asking a question to which he already knew the answer and if Chotu got it wrong, Chotu would get slapped - "jhoot bolta hai... chataak... sabke samne tu yahan se nikla hai". On the other hand, if Chotu answered correct and pointed to his perching spot, he would get slapped since it was such an obvious answer that he would be hinting that the policeman is dumb - "tu mujhe bewakoof samjhta hai... chataak". Ironically, the policeman had just proved his smartness by asking such a dumb question. Chotu had the third option of playing a moron... "Ji... pata nahin". In that case he would have got a silly slap which would have been less hurting... "haha, tujhe yeh bhi pata nahin... chateek. Achcha, tera favorite color kaunsa hai... and dont get this wrong".

Chotu spent so much time thinking among these options that the policeman got tired of waiting and thought that he wont be answering. The policeman pointed to the perching spot and said to Chotu... "Doobara baith ke dikha, kaisa baitha tha". Chotu jumped in. Admiration of the setup glinted in the eyes of the policeman.

He moved on to the driver - "License aur gaadi ke kaagaz hain?". Silence. "Challaan katega tumhara... no license, no RC, no pollution, no insurance, no helmets, overloading, driving on the wrong side, rash driving, and talking back to a policeman and questioning his words".

"When did we drive on the wrong side?"
"All the time. You were driving on the wrong side of the law"

"But when did we question your words?".
"You did it just now... I knew you were up to no good"

As he added up the numbers on his scratchpad, he might have thought to himself - 'These people have defied my urges to slap them through their insolent behavior. I am going to make them pay' - "Char hazar rupaye ka challaan banega. Paanch sau rupaye do aur chalte bano".

The driver collected all the cash from everyone, emptied his own pockets and added up the money. "Hamare paas bees rupaye hain".

"Gaadi aise ke aise hi thaane le chalo."

The police station was close by. On getting there, they got further orders. "Scooter wahan khada karke saare line mein yahan murga ban jao"

When the inspector arrived, he noticed the five murgas and wondered,
"Are bhai, yeh yahan kis liye hain"
"Sahab, yeh paanch, ek scooter pe jaa rahe the"

"Kahan jaa rahe th... ACHCHA.. EK scooter pe PAANCH!!... KAISE?!... Zara baith ke dikhao"... and the spectacle repeated itself.

"Sahab, yeh chautha wala ulta baitha tha... Oye theek se baith" and the fourth guy righted himself into the wrong direction.

"Good. Very good. In sabke naam aur address note kar lo aur ghar se inke papa ko bulwa lo. Russian circus walon ko bhi inke baare mein bata do"

Calls were made, parents were notified and it seemed as if the situation will get blown out of proportions. Thankfully, Chotu's father was influential enough and knew the inspector's MRP to get all the five out for 200 Rs.